you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
