i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
