No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
