Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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