My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
