I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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