Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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