I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
