Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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