I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
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