3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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