checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
