so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
