I just saw a hot homeless man
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Congratulations! We have a period
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