I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
