Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
