Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We have started to decorate penises.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
