did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Quick, to the slutcave!
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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