I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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