I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
