My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I FOUND THE LEGS
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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