id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
