im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
