My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
