We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
