Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
