i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
