I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
