OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
