so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
