listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
