I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
