Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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