I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
