It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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