Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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