If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It's not a walk of shame if you run
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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