I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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