You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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