i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
