I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
