Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
