I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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