I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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