he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Dignity is for republicans.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
