just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
