FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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