Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
just tell him i said nine months
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
