Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
