The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
