i love accidental penises.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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