So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
