I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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