I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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