my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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